ERRGGHHH, NOT TODAY, WORLD. NOT TODAY.
Too cold. Too dark. Too wet. Too sick. Too much bad news.
A report released by the Australian Wellness Committee found that 70% of Australia cannot be fucked today.
The unprecedented high levels of can’t-be-fucked-ness can be attributed to a combination of factors.
Adrianna Winterbottom from AWC said, “It’s a perfect storm. Everyone is sick, there are interest rate hikes, surging gas prices, and the first week of winter has brought with it record low temperatures. Throw in it costs $75 to buy an ice-burg lettuce – the most inferior of the lettuces – and it’s no wonder people can’t be fucked.”
It is estimated that Australian businesses will experience a 90% drop in productivity today and that it will be their second-least productive day of the year, losing only to December 23rd.
Accountant, Julia Ali, is at work, “I totally can’t be fucked today. I’m supposed to be going on holiday but I can’t get my passport processed, so I don’t think I can go. It’s been a bleak week. I’m just sitting at my desk and hitting refresh on my email so it looks like I’m doing something. Cannot. Be. Fucked.”
With a long weekend on the horizon for most of the country, giving up is the only option.
Julia’s manager, Prasad Reddy, is aware of Julia’s lack of productiveness, “I know she’s not doing anything. I just can’t be fucked talking to her about it.”
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