“I can’t believe that I cried in that lockdown Qantas commercial for THIS?!”
Airports around the world have been thrown into chaos due to staff shortages and peak holiday travel. But frustrations are being felt most in the passenger seat; in passive-aggressive battles for the coveted armrest.
It took Amity Weira 13 hours to get through the airport and onto her plane. And she later found out that the airline lost her luggage. Yet, it was losing the armrest on her long-haul flight to London – a trip she has been looking forward to for three years – that tipped her over the edge.
“I can handle the queues, the delays, and the 99% chance that I will catch covid, but having to sit for 24 hours with my shoulders folded in like an origami swan, is too much.”
Amity is no armrest wrestling novice – she once dominated two armrests for the whole production of The Phantom of the Opera – but sat in the middle seat, sandwiched between two expert armrest wrestlers, she didn’t stand a chance.
“I passive-aggressively nudged elbows, but before I knew it the guys next to me had taken my armrests and half my legroom with their manspreading.”
Unbeknownst to Amity, she was sitting next to Trent Broxer, a professional armrest wrestler. Trent has been looking forward to flights resuming. “I’ve really missed it. That moment when the plane takes off and you do a giant fake full-body cough so you can jolt your neighbour off their armrest. Magic. That’s why I really love the sport; it requires both brains and brawn.”
A spokesperson for the airline said, “Sure, we could make the armrests big enough to accommodate two arms, but frankly, International Armrest Wrestling is the sport of choice for the rich people that own airlines. Pitting poor people in economy class against each other for entertainment is as close as we can get to a modern-day Gladiator.”
Trent Broxer has advice for Amity for her return flight, “Start training now. It’s been tough with limited physical contact over the past few years, but anything that requires shoving will get you prepped. Mosh pits, fighting your way onto a 5pm tram, or even the great toilet paper scrambles of 2020.”
Amity is still waiting for her luggage at Heathrow. She also caught covid off Trent.
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