A report released by the Department of Human Disease (DHD) has found that the results of Rapid Antigen Tests (RATs) are up for interpretation. A negative test result, which is common given the test’s tendency to produce false negatives, is always considered accurate if the person has fun plans for the weekend. If, however, the person has a boring work conference on, a negative test result is considered invalid and the person gets a PCR.
The report found that no matter how ill a person might be with covid-like symptoms, their willingness to believe a negative test result remained firm.
Trixie Bae, is one such test-denier. Coughing and spluttering, with a temperature of 40 degrees, the self-described ‘Byron-Babe’ has interpreted her negative RAT as true. Visibly shaking from fever, she said with a laugh, “I guess I’m going to Splendour in the Grass this weekend!”
Just months earlier, Trixie was heard encouraging a friend to get a PCR test because “RAT’s cannot be trusted!” when she feared that friend could ruin the ‘Evening of Ecstatic Horny Dance and Healing’ that Trixie was hosting.
Professor Kimble of the DHD is urging people not to trust RAT results, “They are a screening tool, not a diagnostic tool. Those with symptoms should get a PCR… They just need to figure out where to go as Governments seem to be pretending this whole covid thing is over.”
The report also found that the level of a person’s results-denial was in direct correlation with much they want to party on the weekend.
Those who risk missing a big event like a festival or wedding, and those that have invested time and money organising flights, accommodation and baggies, were 20,000 times more likely to believe a negative result.
Even the amount of hype around an event – such as a WhatsApp group chat titled ‘Party Time Biatches!’ – contributed to denial.
Common denial strategies include quoting inaccurate statistics about the effectiveness of RATs, or simply throwing one’s hands up in resignation and saying, “What more can I do?”
Others with big weekend plans have been found to self-sabotage their own test by not putting the stick right up their nose and only squeezing the tube eight times instead of ten.
It is anticipated that Trixie will infect over 15% of attendees at Splendour in the Grass this weekend.
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