“No, YOU listen to ME, Aunty Bridget, I said, I am FINE on my own.”
Dana is in training mode. The last time she saw her extended family at Christmas, she copped a grilling about her personal life. Topics of conversation included her single status, sexual preference, and not having children. She was encouraged to “Hang in there,” “Maybe you just need to lower your standards,” and reminded, “The clock is ticking; if it’s not already too late.”
This Easter, her family won’t know what’s hit it. Dana has spent the last four months undertaking a vigorous training routine that includes mirror talk, mantras and manipulation tactics.
Each morning, she completes drills, practising the perfect response to questions or comments that might arise. In the mirror, she repeats:
“I might die alone but I’m happy about it.”
“Most of my friends that got married are already divorced.”
“Being childless frees me up for my hobbies. I can go water-skiing at a moment’s notice.”
Dana admits that while she is close to being ready for lunch on Sunday, she can still be triggered.
She told Babbler, “This morning, I was practising on a comment that my Uncle Wayne said at Christmas; ‘You’re not THAT ugly. I’m sure you’ll find someone.’ I started screaming, ‘I don’t need another person to complete me. I am perfect as I am. I SAID, I AM PERFECT AS I AM!’”
Soon, a neighbour knocked on her door to see if she was alright.
“In a moment’s weakness, I considered asking them on a date. But then I realised that is exactly what my family would have wanted. I think I am finally ready. It’s Go-Time!”
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