“It’s tradition! Every year on Australia Day, we get wasted at the beach. You can’t just go around changing these rich cultural traditions. It’s Un-Australian.”

Like many, the VB-lover has personally benefited from multiple traditions changing throughout history. Including being allowed to wear a bikini, vote, work, choose whom she marries, and even drink alcohol in public.

Yet, the self-described beach-babe is indigent and plans to throw, “One massive Straya Day barbie.”

When Babbler pointed out that Australia’s First Nations People have over 60,000 years of traditions, and Australia Day has only been a national holiday since 1994, Sammy, whose parents are from Gloucestershire, started shouting, “Aussie. Aussie. Aussie. Oi. Oi. Oi!”

The majority of Australians now believe, that Australia Day should change to a day that doesn’t celebrate the genocide of the country’s First Nations Peoples.

The Federal Government is firm that a date change will not happen while they are in power. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said, “It’s an Australian tradition to ignore the wishes and rights of Indigenous Australians, on every day, but especially on the 26th January.”

More to come.

Are you following Babbler? Follow Babbler now on Instagram and Facebook

The post “It’s Tradition!” Says Woman That Benefits From The Evolution Of Multiple Traditions appeared first on Babbler.

Jenny Fawkner, 69, is no stranger to activism. In her younger days, she attended protests for the Women’s Rights Movement, the Vietnam War and the sacking of Gough Whitlam. Now, she’s lending a hand to the Black Lives Matter movement.

The retired grandmother said, “While I am hesitant about armchair activism, what has been going on in American is horrendous. If I can show my support for the Black Lives Matter movement by reposting, I believe it’s my duty to do it.”

Jenny is blissfully unaware that rather than sharing posts about the Black Lives Matter movement, she has been posting about Black Friday – an American shopping tradition following Thanksgiving that promotes feverish bargain hunting and consumerism.

The keen gardener’s email and newsfeeds have been inundated with Black Friday content and Jenny is diligently reposting and letting her voice be heard.

“We will not stop the fight! This frenzy must stop!”

More to come.

The post Mum Passionately Shares Black Friday Posts Thinking She’s Supporting Black Lives Matter appeared first on Babbler.

When Jayne Shumba moved to Australia 10 years ago, she was excited to learn about the Melbourne Cup. The allure of heavy drinking and silliness while in fancy dress made her long to participate in ‘the race that stops a nation’.

Jayne told Babbler, “I remember seeing the pictures of people dressed to the nines and thinking, ‘I can’t wait until I have the time and expendable funds to waste on such an insignificant event.’ And the drinking! Wow! Back home, horses running would never prompt so much drunken disorderliness. What a culture!”

Jayne recently graduated from university and found employment as an accountant. For the first time in her life, she has the disposable income to attend Melbourne’s Spring Carnival. However, her new sense of freedom has coincided with Jayne becoming ‘woke’.

“I was really bummed when my social consciousness turned on. Suddenly I could see that maybe the fancy dress and drinks were not worth subjecting animals to cruelty merely for my entertainment. I got woke at the worst possible time!”

Jayne continues to search for a day when she can participate in ethically responsible debauchery.

“Australia Day is out for obvious reasons. The King’s Birthday doesn’t feel right either… Halloween and Christmas are all about the mass consumerism of plastic crap… I can’t have any fun now I’m woke!”

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Woman Sad She Missed Out On Race Day Debauchery Before She Developed A Social Conscience appeared first on Babbler.

Jono Smitho, a spokesperson for Triple M said, “Enough is enough. Carey has a long history of incidents that weren’t illegal like drugs, but were certainly frowned upon by a minority. But we always turned a blind eye. In fact, we rewarded him with career opportunities. This time he’s gone too far. As people in the media, we cannot be seen to be involved in party drugs.”

Carey has a long history of abuse against women, including grabbing a stranger’s breast in a Melbourne street, kicking a female police officer in the face, and multiple incidents with ex-partners, including allegedly glassing his girlfriend.

Smitho has said, “We are following proper process and if the powder is revealed to be drugs, then we will have to appear to make a stand. If, however, investigations reveal the bag of powder is something else, say, a weapon for assaulting women, then we will of course look the other way and welcome Carey back.”

A spokesperson for Carey has told Babbler that the former North Melbourne star is remorseful and shocked that there have finally been consequences for his actions.

“He’s let his workplaces down, he’s let the boys down, and most importantly, he’s let the gambling industry down.”

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Too Far! Wayne Carey’s Bosses Will Not Tolerate Bag Of White Powder Unless He Assaults A Woman With It appeared first on Babbler.

This week, Albanese was seen quickly drinking a beer at a Gang of Youths concert in Sydney. Just last week, Marin was been heavily criticised for drinking and dancing with friends on a night out.

McWinkie said, “I like a good relatable bloke. Going to the footy, seeing a concert, downing a few frothys. But dancing? That’s a step too far in my books.”

Some have called out the double standards that women in leadership positions face. In Australia, male politicians have a history of being celebrated for acts of drinking, while female politicians are held to a higher standard.

McWinkie is dismissive, “Rubbish. I’m not being sexist… I don’t think any Prime Minister should be dancing. Not Julia Gillard, not Margaret Thatcher or that chick who runs New Zealand.”

McWinkie reports he has had two left feet for as long as he could remember. “I don’t dance. I don’t know any respectable bloke that dances. And who hasn’t seen someone dancing, male or female, and not thought, ‘she looks too confident.’”

When Babbler pushed McWinkie as to why he found the Finnish Prime Minister particularly offensive, he said, “I’m just saying, it raises a lot of questions. Why does she have so many friends? And why is she so young? And attractive? She has clearly hoodwinked male voters. I can see right through her hypocrisy.”

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post “Albo’s A Legend for Sculling Beer” Says Bloke Who Thinks Finnish PM Should Set A Better Example appeared first on Babbler.

With covid case numbers and hospital admissions at record highs, some people are calling for mask mandates to return.

Anti-mask advocate Meryl Brine strongly believes that mask mandates cannot come back, “Covid restrictions like masks kill businesses. Sure, many businesses are on the brink because all their staff have covid and the government support has dried up. But if you think I’m going to wear a mask, just so when I get sick and have to go to hospital that there are enough healthy staff to look after me, then you’re mad.”

State and Federal governments have been noticeably quiet on covid-related matters. Most notable is Dan Andrews, who earned the nickname ‘Dictator Dan’ for his strict covid restrictions when the state only had a handful of cases.

Dan Andrews has confirmed he is trialling a new approach, “The public know that masks are an easy way to reduce the spread of this virus. But sometimes you need unusual methods to get the lesson to sink in. It’s like when you catch your kid smoking and you make them smoke the whole packet so they learn that smoking is bad for them. We’re letting everyone catch covid, so they finally realise we were right all along: covid is bad for them.”

Natasha Williams is calling for mandates. She is nostalgic for what she refers to as “the good ol’ days” when she was forced to wear a mask while running solo on the beach or risk being fined. She told Babbler, “Now I am too sick to leave the house, let alone mask up to run along the beach. Bring back some common sense!”

More to come.

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post “Mask Mandates Go Against Our Freedoms!” Says Population Too Sick To Enjoy Freedom appeared first on Babbler.

When asked about the importance of answering this question, a local toddler said, “We already know so much about life on Earth. We know Old McDonald had a farm. Mary has a little lamb. Pop goes the weasel. But the stars – that’s something that’s perplexed us for a while. Hey, do you like Bluey?”

Another toddler said, “It’s an astounding discovery. Finally, we will learn if Twinkle Twinkle is simply a celestial body made of gas. Or is it more? Why is it twinkling so much? Is it God?!… Hey, did you know my dad has a big hairy doodle?”

Unfortunately, Babbler was unable to continue this deep and philosophical interview as it was nap time.

More to come… hopefully.

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Toddlers Hopeful Telescope Answers Age Old Question ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder What You Are?’ appeared first on Babbler.

The definition of “This shit” differs for each person, but generally includes a combination of: work/life balance, climate change, the overturning of Roe vs Wade, the mental load, the pandemic, inequality, the economy, the government, beauty standards, and pretty much everyone and everything on all social media platforms.

Women were not surprised that census data revealed that they earn significantly less than men and do the lion’s share of unpaid domestic work. These findings led many women to roll their eyes and respond, “No shit!”

The data shows that for women in hetero relationships, many had a partner that reported believing in women’s rights, yet still doesn’t know where the vacuum cleaner lives or how to make beans on toast.

Megan Fairbottom fits the description of a typical Australian and is “Completely over it.” Like other typical Australian households, there is $3000 a week coming in to her household. While it appears like a decent amount of income, Megan reports that it, “Barely covers the cost of the mortgage, childcare and one iceberg lettuce.”

Finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Census Results: The Average Person Is A Thirty-Something Woman That Is Sick Of This Shit appeared first on Babbler.

Airports around the world have been thrown into chaos due to staff shortages and peak holiday travel. But frustrations are being felt most in the passenger seat; in passive-aggressive battles for the coveted armrest.

It took Amity Weira 13 hours to get through the airport and onto her plane. And she later found out that the airline lost her luggage. Yet, it was losing the armrest on her long-haul flight to London – a trip she has been looking forward to for three years – that tipped her over the edge.

“I can handle the queues, the delays, and the 99% chance that I will catch covid, but having to sit for 24 hours with my shoulders folded in like an origami swan, is too much.”

Amity is no armrest wrestling novice – she once dominated two armrests for the whole production of The Phantom of the Opera – but sat in the middle seat, sandwiched between two expert armrest wrestlers, she didn’t stand a chance.

“I passive-aggressively nudged elbows, but before I knew it the guys next to me had taken my armrests and half my legroom with their manspreading.”

Unbeknownst to Amity, she was sitting next to Trent Broxer, a professional armrest wrestler. Trent has been looking forward to flights resuming. “I’ve really missed it. That moment when the plane takes off and you do a giant fake full-body cough so you can jolt your neighbour off their armrest. Magic. That’s why I really love the sport; it requires both brains and brawn.”

A spokesperson for the airline said, “Sure, we could make the armrests big enough to accommodate two arms, but frankly, International Armrest Wrestling is the sport of choice for the rich people that own airlines. Pitting poor people in economy class against each other for entertainment is as close as we can get to a modern-day Gladiator.”

Trent Broxer has advice for Amity for her return flight, “Start training now. It’s been tough with limited physical contact over the past few years, but anything that requires shoving will get you prepped. Mosh pits, fighting your way onto a 5pm tram, or even the great toilet paper scrambles of 2020.”

Amity is still waiting for her luggage at Heathrow. She also caught covid off Trent.

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Air Travel Chaos! Woman Loses Luggage And Passive Aggressive Battle For The Armrest appeared first on Babbler.

Too cold. Too dark. Too wet. Too sick. Too much bad news.

A report released by the Australian Wellness Committee found that 70% of Australia cannot be fucked today.

The unprecedented high levels of can’t-be-fucked-ness can be attributed to a combination of factors.

Adrianna Winterbottom from AWC said, “It’s a perfect storm. Everyone is sick, there are interest rate hikes, surging gas prices, and the first week of winter has brought with it record low temperatures. Throw in it costs $75 to buy an ice-burg lettuce – the most inferior of the lettuces – and it’s no wonder people can’t be fucked.”

It is estimated that Australian businesses will experience a 90% drop in productivity today and that it will be their second-least productive day of the year, losing only to December 23rd.

Accountant, Julia Ali, is at work, “I totally can’t be fucked today. I’m supposed to be going on holiday but I can’t get my passport processed, so I don’t think I can go. It’s been a bleak week. I’m just sitting at my desk and hitting refresh on my email so it looks like I’m doing something. Cannot. Be. Fucked.”

With a long weekend on the horizon for most of the country, giving up is the only option.

Julia’s manager, Prasad Reddy, is aware of Julia’s lack of productiveness, “I know she’s not doing anything. I just can’t be fucked talking to her about it.”

Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.

The post Report: 70% Of Nation Can’t Be Fucked Today appeared first on Babbler.