JUST RELAX YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT!
Veronica Thom is on holiday. Due to covid lockdowns over the past two years, the marketing manager from Melbourne has had her trip to Port Douglas cancelled thirteen times.
In the lead up to her well-deserved break, she was heard telling friends, “I just want to relax and enjoy myself.” Yet, she has just spent 59 minutes of a 60 minute massage assuming that the beauty therapist was judging her.
Not enjoying a massage is an annual ritual for Veronica.
She said, “Each year on holidays, I book myself in for one, and each year I feel guilty that the massage therapist has to touch the disgusting lump of meat that is my body.”
Throughout her one hour ‘rejuvenate’ package at a local day spa, Veronica was certain that her massage therapist hated her and hated being forced to touch her for $129.
Veronica repeatedly apologised, and was remorseful for her “dry skin,” her “chunky thighs,” and that she “hadn’t been hitting the gym because she was too busy at work.”
In hindsight, Veronica concedes that her massage therapist’s judgement was likely a figment of her imagination.
Massage therapist Gloria Wendman said, “Veronica is right. Rubbing strangers’ bodies is disgusting. Frankly, I hate all of my clients for making me do it.”
Veronica’s privilege is not lost on her, “I know there are bigger issues in the world right now – Ukraine, floods, cost of living – and my biggest problem is being a disgusting gross meat puppet. I’ve booked myself in for a facial, so I’ll feel guilty about feeling guilty then.”
Are you finding Babbler funny? If so, follow Babbler on Facebook and Instagram for all your satirical news needs.
